(Chapter 4 of “Feel Sexy Again: The Ultimate Guide to Reclaiming Your Sexual Confidence”)
Sharing stories is one of the most poignant ways in which we can connect with one another. It allows us to feel seen and heard. And if someone’s story isn’t similar to our own, being able to empathize and really put oneself in the other’s shoes goes a long way. My client, Rachel. told a story that, I know, resonates with so many women. And, like with many of my clients, I can find myself in her story.
She coulnd’t recall exactly when she lost her sense of self. Was it during pregnancy or after having her twins? Sure, she went through that period when breast-feeding and cleaning up after the little poop factories felt like her sole occupation. Her body belonged to “my beautiful little leeches” (so fondly nicknames). She was designed to nurture and feed her little loves. And for a good while, it didn’t bother her. Motherhood was what she’s dreamed of after all, and it was all-consuming. This is what she signed up for.
Until one day, she noticed herself in the mirror. “What the heck is happening to my body?” Her body had changed in ways she could never, ever fathom. She couldn’t even recognize her breasts as hers (and most definitely not her husband’s; they were strictly “hands off”), let alone the rest of her. “No one really tells you the honest truth about that. Sure, you hear things but don’t think it’s really going to happen to you One day you’re feeling hot and enjoying sexy time with the hubby, and the next you’ve got these little human piranhas at your breasts twenty-four-seven and feeling anything but hot and sexy.” And what often happens? That not-so-hot feeling turns into days, weeks, years. Time passes and pretty soon you can barely remember you had any spark at all.
Rachel loved her body at one time. She loved the feelings of excitement and anticipation and having control over her pleasure. Oh, she loved feeling pleasure, of being pleasured. How she missed this. And yet, she felt as if it were a silly dream. It was going to take a lot of time and effort to get back to how she used to feel and look. She recognized that her kids were older now and she should take better care of herself, but added that they always needed something. When she finally had the time, she’d eventually get around to carving out some time for herself.
Does Rachel’s story sound at all familiar?
Did you disconnect from yourself somewhere along the way? Maybe it wasn’t kids or marriage. Maybe it was a demanding job or career. Or it was school or family or something else. Maybe it was too much of something or just not enough of something else. Whatever caused this rift between you and the version of you that you long for. I am here to tell you that hope does exist.
It starts with redefining who you are now and where you want to be. This may come as a surprise, but your identity constantly changes whether you want it to or not. New ideas, experiences, and situations come left and right. They shape you as they happen. You can’t not change. But problems arise because you want to stay the same. You need to stay the same. If you change, in any way, who are you? You may also no longer feel safe when you step outside your comfort zone.
Your brain relies on this sense of comfort and knowing because a millennia ago, it was a matter of life and death. Walk the path. Don’t get eaten by a predator. Repeat the same path. Day in, day out. Stay alive. Try an unknown route that one time? Higher chance of becoming lunch. (It happened to the neighbor just yesterday!) Doing “the usual” and staying in your comfort zone is a survival mechanism, but here’s the thing: that threat of being eaten by a saber-toothed tiger no longer exists. Your primitive brain still has the collective memory of this occurring; therefore, it wants to protect you. It wants you to stay small and safe. When you do something that is against your default, against the known survival protocol, not only will your brain alert you to impending dander, but your body will, too. Your fight-or-flight system goes into action. Even when you know that going our of your norm is for the better, your system sends you warning signals: your heart races, you may sweat, you may feel sick to your stomach, you may shake or become clumsy, experience myriad other physical and physiological symptoms. And, your brain is doing the second-guessing game, “No, no. Now is that really a good idea? You could get hurt. You could change. Where will that leave you?’
Has the every happened to you, in one form or another, when you decide to make a change?
Let me go back to Rachel’s story. She came to me at a time when her story of not feeling hot and sexy anymore because she had kids and too many responsibilities was her comfort zone. It was the story she told herself. And she lived this story. She told the story and the story became her. She could no longer separate herself from the story.
As we delved into this issue in our coaching sessions, it became apparent that she, indeed, wanted to change this about herself. She craved feeling sexy and desirable again. It petrified her to look at her life from this perspective because she knew she’d have to make a change. And, the thought of changing rocked her self-identity. Who would she be if she chose to feel differently about herself? What actions would she take based on this new information? How would her husband, family, friends think of this version of her?
Well, as I worked with the Sexy Again Method, she willingly stepped outside of the norm, moving forward one small step at a time. As we addressed her fears and tackled them together, something came into focus for her. She admitted that, strangely, her biggest fear was how her husband would respond to her. She was worried that he would leave her . She further worried that he wouldn’t think of her as the caretaker of the family but as selfish and greedy.
Working out her courage to talk to her husband about this, she came back to me after a couple of weeks. She had found a way to speak to him about her needs, and he couldn’t have reacted more opposite than what she expected. he was absolutely elated and confessed he dreamed of this: that his wife felt good about herself again, felt sexy again. Their lovelife skyrocketed. This seemed to create a domino effect in every realm of their lives.
Rachel worked tremendously hard to get to this point. She was ready to begin the process. She hadn’t been ready for a long time. She carried so much guilt. She had it in droves. She wondered who she really was if she wasn’t the dutiful wife, perfect mother, model employee.
Do you ever experience this feeling? This, “I feel guilty because I want to feel like I want to be me again: not a mom, not a wife, not a dedicated employee ready to do more, be more, give more” feeling?
Do you show your worthiness in this way? The more you give, the more you are seen as good enough? You want to be seen as worthy, good, capable, and enough, but when did this become something that was outward? Why did the judgment of others or someone’s approval mean more than your own internal satisfaction? When did this happen? Perhaps it’s been going on for a lot longer than you wish to admit. Why now? Why balk at that system and get back to what you want: see to your needs and desires? Because that is exactly why: you lost your sense of self. You are so wrapped up being all to everyone else. And it is exhausting. And you feel guilty that you’re not going to be enough for your family, husband, work, friends.
You don’t think of stress as being a bad thing. But lately, you get the sense that it’s affecting your life in negative ways.
Hey, you are where you are now. It’s okay. You go through these periods in life where it takes you on these weird, circuitous, out-of-the-way paths. You may get lost for awhile; it happens. You can find your way back home, back to center, back to you.
You can get so caught up in everyone else’s lives, getting serious cases of comparisonitis and FOMO (fear of missing out). It keeps you from living your own life, plain and simple.
Were you taught to put others first? Were you nice, helpful, generous? This was love. If your mother sacrificed on your behalf, this was love. You sacrifice your own needs for the needs/wants of your family. The is the script that is laid down in your hard wiring – thick and implacable. Denying your own personal needs becomes habitual. “My needs/wants aren’t as important as others. Others are more worthy. They need nurturing. I will show them they are loved and they will love me in return.”
Do you remember a time in your life when you just had it all going on? You felt in your prime, as if everything felt like the world was on your side? You had this sense that you could rule the world. You felt comfortable in your own skin, you felt sexually “on,” you were on fire. That sense of sexiness was embodied within you. You knew you were sexy, and not just that external sense of sexiness and attractiveness; you felt, internally, that sense of pleasure. Pure pleasure from all angles. Feeling authentic and not apologizing for expressing who you were. Not to say you didn’t have hangups about your body – we all do. But it was ok. That sense of: “I know what turns me on. And I’m going to take in the experiences and use them to the fullest.”
At what point did all of that stop? When did you begin to allow that to slip away, allow it to not be so important in your life?
It’s different for everyone; however, I think so often when we become wives and mothers, busy with career and work, dealing with life stresses can take over and we take a back seat in our own lives.
How often do you put everyone else’s needs above all else? How often when you just want to say no do you say yes to others for fear of judgment, being seen as selfish, or being disliked or unloved if you say no? So many of us grew up with seeing parents, especially moms, sacrificing themselves for the betterment of the family. You grow up with these scripts that write themselves on your brains and these develop into the stories you tell yourselves, the stories that you live out.
It’s your limiting beliefs and these old stories that get replayed over and over and over again.
As you replay these old tapes in your head, they become your narrative. The thought of doing something different, something that is outside your “norm,” seems nearly impossible, even if it’s something you desire.
What is comes down to is this: you have to be able to acknowledge where you are right now and how you got to this point in life. This isn’t easy. This isn’t pleasant. This is hard work. Lessons need to be learned if you want to live in a way that is authentic. Being raw and vulnerable is crucial to connecting. You have to risk in order to truly connect with others. Deep down, you want to be seen. You want to be seen and know you matter in this world.
Here’s the deal: You get what you focus on, not what you want. Start putting energy toward what you actually want versus what you don’t want, what’s not going right in your life. When you shift your energy toward what you truly want and desire, that changes everything. The power is in the focus. And you get to choose what that is.
So, how do you want to feel?
Do you want to get your “you” back?
Do you want to get your sexy back? (Cue JT!)
Well, let’s figure out what your idea of sexy is and how it fits into your life.
How Did I Get Here?
